To Be a Friend

Why can I not always be there for my friends? Am I doomed to fail as a friend? What is a good friend? Am I afraid to trust people? What is God doing? Is He using me in my friend’s lives to prove that you cannot rely on people? Why do my actions not follow my intentions? I need to try harder. I cannot try harder, I have tried that before. What is holding me back? My immaturity? God? Or just human limitations?

I know that God is in control. I know that I am letting my friends down, people that I love. I know that God is using me, but He uses Satan too. Yep, that is exactly how I feel: Used. Am I supposed to be grateful for being used to disillusion people that try to trust me?

All these thoughts have been churning in my mind the past three months. I talked to God about it. I knew He was up to something. He did not give any definite answers. Every now and then, I thought He might have but the more I grasped at it the less stable it became. Waiting again . . . I was frustrated. Some people have said that I am a patient person but I have noticed it is only the ones who have not spent much time around me. God just kept churning, until the real question solidified and came to the top like fresh butter still floating in cream.

The real question was this, “Can I trust God?” I really thought that this question was all settled. My goodness! It has been asked and answered often enough. Thank God that He really is patient; He never gets tired of answering this question. I begin to think that He brings it up and presses it out of me because He actually enjoys answering it. In fact, I know that the question originates in Him, “Lauren, did you know that you can trust Me in this situation?”

When He pressed me to admit that I felt used, as in “used and abused”, He immediately responded, “I no longer call you servants but friends, for a servant knows not what his master is doing.” In case you were wondering, I was not comforted by this at all. I replied to this divine revelation with the all encompassing, “Whatever.”

So God kept churning. I wonder what the rest of that verse says. Does that imply that I know what He is doing? Yeah, I know what He is doing; He is using me to make my family and friend’s lives miserable. “I no longer call you servants . . .” I wonder what the rest of that verse says . . . what is the context . . . has God really told me what He is doing?

John 15:15 “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” This is when Jesus is pouring His heart out to His disciples, He talks about abiding “I in you, you in Me, I in the Father . . .” He talks about loving each other, He talks about the Holy Spirit. So what are You doing? “I am making them one with me. I am making you one with me. I am glorifying the Father, you are glorifying the Father. I do all things well.” Hmm. So, You are using me to . . . “I didn’t say how I was using you, I said that I told you what I am doing.” Oh! I am not to focus on how You are using me, whether it is good or bad, or even whether You are using me. I am to focus on what I know You to be doing in my life and in other’s lives. You do all things well.

Just for the record, where does that leave me as a friend? I cannot be the friend I thought that I could be. What do You say a good friend is?

“A good friend knows Me.”

Joy Accepted

Last Thursday night I did not sleep well. I went to bed around 1:00 a.m. and did not go to sleep till closer to 2:00 and then woke up at 7:30 and could not go back to sleep. This is a bigger deal than it might at first seem. I usually need 10 hrs of sleep and if I don't get them, then I have no energy for the next day.

I was hoping that I could survive the morning and be tired enough to take a nap, but no such luck. The entire day I had about as much energy as when you are trying to get over a cold. It was a hard day.

If it was just a cold then I probably wouldn't be writing about it, but try to imagine what it would be like, not to have a cold for an entire year, but to have a new cold every three days for a year. You're just pulling out of the old one, you're thinking about everything you want to get done now that you're getting better and WHAM! . . . you feel bad again.

After a while you buy into a couple of new fears, ones you thought you would never experience. Fears like, "If I go there I might catch a cold again; I think I'll stay home." "I would plan on that but I just don't know if I'll be feeling well enough to do it." "What if I think that I'm better and I go do too much and have to go through this all again?"

I know it sounds pitiful but this is a good sampling of what I've struggled with. Not often given in to, thank God, but definitely struggled with.

So, on Friday, I was feeling very down both physically and emotionally. I actually recovered from the loss of sleep pretty quickly; By Saturday, I was doing well again. My emotions did not bounce back as quickly. In fact they went from feeling down to feeling depressed.

I hate to use the word depressed, it sounds way too serious, but that is what I was. I was not feeling sorry for myself, I didn't have a bad attitude, my heart just seemed so heavy that there was a literal tightening in my chest.

I wondered if I should set aside time to talk to God about it, but I couldn't think of anything to talk about. I wasn't focused on something besides God. So, I waited it out. I was open to what God might be doing, but also trying not to take myself too seriously.

Sunday morning I wrote 'Peace Found', but Sunday evening I finally admitted to myself that I was depressed. Then I began to wonder, "Was I fooling myself about finding peace? Was I just trying to be spiritual to impress others?" The answers were a resounding "NO." I did have peace; I found peace and I still had peace.

I started trying to explain what was going on in my heart to a friend. As I explained it to her, it began to make more sense to me. The best way I could describe it was stored mourning. It seemed like everything emotional that had gone on in my life and in my heart the past few months had just built up. Now it was demanding attention when all the reasons to mourn appeared to be old.

I told her I wished I could just cry but I couldn't. Then, God gave me my wish. I started to laugh at something and my deep emotions caught a ride on the tail of my surface emotion. I cried, and cried, and cried.

Of course I was analyzing myself the whole time I was bawling my heart out. "Why am I crying? There is nothing to cry about. Get a grip on yourself. You're just having a pity party." But none of it was true.

The truth was there was a lot to cry about. I cried for the pain in my family. I cried for my own pain of being sick. I cried for the Christians who are getting slaughtered in India. I cried for a girl I know who is determined to try everything but God to soothe the ache in her heart. I cried because the pain of these things is real.

When I was done crying the quietness came that usually follows tears. Then I went to God, "Lord, I have peace, but I have pain, too. I have peace but I don't have joy." The thought came that I just wanted joy because it feels good. Then I thought of Nehemiah 8:10 " . . . the joy of the Lord is your strength." and Galatians 5:22 "The fruit of the Spirit is . . . joy." God said that I needed joy.

"Lord, how do I get joy?"
"How did you get any of the other gifts I gave you?"
"By faith; I accepted them. Lord, I accept joy."

I didn't feel any more joyful, but I've learned not to be worried when my feelings don't line up with God's word. These past days joy has been poured upon me.

I worried momentarily that I only had joy because my circumstances were more enjoyable, but if I had faith to accept joy when I didn't feel it, why should I not have faith that I received the true gift when I do feel it? Feelings come and feelings go, but I have accepted joy.

Peace Found

God spoke to me today. I didn't really like what He had to say but I always love the sound of His voice.

Someone was teaching about responding to God's call. How do we respond? Do we try to shirk it? Do we grudgingly accept it? Do we thank Him for it? Do we run from it?
So I started talking to God.

"Well, let's see. You called me to be a missionary and I thanked you for it. Man, I can't wait. You told me to buy a spinning wheel, I was a little less sure and enthusiastic but I did it and now I'm enjoying it. Can't wait to see what that's all about either."

"What about being sick?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"How are you going to respond to that calling?"

"You called me to be sick? To be lonely? To feel worthless? To not be able to serve you? To barely escape 24/7 crankiness? To be a burden on my family?"

No answer. Just that feeling that He was looking at me and we both knew an answer wasn't needed.

"You did, didn't you? Okay, I accept Your calling on my life."

It wasn't grudgingly, I didn't thank Him for it. I just accepted it. I'll probably have to accept it again tomorrow. It reminded me of the last line in this poem by Amy Carmichael.

In Acceptance Lieth Peace
He said, "I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease.
"But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, "I will crowd action upon action
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of Manhood cease.
"But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.
"But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, "I will submit;I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmuring, why will ye not cease?
"But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain.
"Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain.
For in Acceptance lieth peace."
~Amy Carmichael

The Beginning of Wisdom

Proverbs 1:7 says, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom . . ."

I have been unintentionally pondering this verse for a while now. It just seems to come up repeatedly. I don't know if my few faithful readers have caught on yet, but I have met with the grace of God in a life transforming way. I had always heard of the grace of God but I somehow only experienced or understood His judgment.

If you don't know me very well, and you listen to some of the things I say, you might get the idea that I believe that we should sin that grace may abound. I don't. If I remember rightly that verse concludes with, "God forbid!"

It is true that I no longer focus on sin or perhaps put much stock in it at all. What I mean is that my sin, as well as any thing I might be proud of, dims to very nearly nothing when I am focused on God.

Was the thief on the cross not being repentant enough because he had the boldness to ask Jesus to remember him? No, he wasn't focused on his sin at all. He was well aware of it, I think to be hanging on a cross you would have to be well aware of what got you there, but he was even more aware of who Jesus was.

But now I'm starting to get into deep water. Which brings me back to the verse I started with.

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom . . ."

I think that sometimes we Christians interpret this verse to say, "The fear of the Lord is wisdom." It isn't. If we are always stuck fearing God then the gospel wouldn't be as good a message as it is. But, if we do not have this foundation to wisdom we have nothing to build on.

Why was a revelation of God's grace so life changing for me? Because I was well schooled in the beginning of wisdom.

To many are afraid of the message of God's grace, afraid that we will forget that He is holy, righteous, and cannot tolerate sin. That we will no longer desire to be holy ourselves. That we will abuse freedom.

The truth is that grace is only grace if we first understand the law. Freedom is only understood when we have felt the bondage of sin. The love of God is even more precious and revered when we understand His anger against sin. These things go together. The fear of God should not be taught without grace to quickly follow it up. But grace isn't grace unless we recognize our peril.

If the fear of God is the foundation for our relationship with Him then He will build to staggering heights. If we insist that He continue to build with fear, then we will be stuck with a very sturdy concrete slab.

Skipping Tracks

I sat down to post a profound article. The only problem is that my brain is skipping tracks like an old CD player right now.

Track 1 Captives
I see people's pain. Like a person who is good in any field of work or interest recognizes another person who understands the same thing, I recognize people in pain. People who's hearts are broken, bitter, lost, confused. Funny thing is, the people who are in pain don't admit that there is anything else. They are captives who have never heard of freedom.

Track 2 Captivity
Just because someone is capable of giving freedom doesn't ensure the captives get set free. The captives first have to realize that they are captive, that there is something more. Second they have to be willing to walk out of the cage. I don't think there is anything more frustrating and heartbreaking than a captive who is afraid of freedom.

Track 3 A Glimpse of Freedom
God is a person who wants a relationship with us. We've all heard that before, but what does it mean? Think of the good relationships that you have. (Hopefully you have a few, they seem to be rare.) How did they happen? What are they comprised of? Relationship can only happen if two people are willing for the other to know them. The only way to know anyone is to be with them, experience life with them and speak/communicate with them. If you don't believe that God wants to communicate with you on a relationship level it's going to be real hard to get to know Him.

Which more or less brings me back to Track 1

I'm not sure why I'm posting the skipping tracks of my brain, but there they are for the rest of you who need some new tracks to skip on.

My Comforter

I just read a friend's post about God's severe mercy. I think we can all identify with 'severe mercy'. Why doesn't God ever work in a way that we expect, in a way that we understand? It all sounded too familiar and what I've been learning started to come together in an almost cohesive form. I'll start with a few excerpts from my journal.

September 21st, 2008
. . . I feel like life is to much to handle. I heard someone teaching that the idea that You never give us more than we can handle is a lie. I'm inclined to believe him. You're goal isn't for me to handle it, but to surrender, give it up, quit. Ah! How I hate to be a quitter! It isn't being a quitter to leave off a bad habit. I guess handling life is a bad habit.

I don't feel as though I've been trying to handle it. Have I? Have I been trying to deny the pain again? I suppose so. It is so 'normal' to be in pain. I can't be crying every day. . .

September 29th, 2008
. . . My heart is so dull. I try to think of something that would ease the pain but there isn't anything. Mom just suggested that I ask for a word from You, but I know better. You give words when You want to and just because I'm in pain doesn't mean that You will. So, I don't ask, because a denial would be worse than not asking. I can't take any more hope deferred.

That sounds so wrong. Am I bitter at You? I know that You are my comforter. Why am I not comforted? Or, do I take Your comfort for granted because it never goes away? What am I to do with my pain? I wish I could take it off like a heavy coat in fine weather.

Now I must qualify these excerpts. They are small blurbs that I chose to make my point. I don't live in the depths of despair, though I do usually journal somewhere near there. The pain that I mention in these is not physical. If you are living right now, I think you'll be able to identify in some measure. Life hurts.

In the excerpt where I wrote about being comforted and a word from God I felt as though even God couldn't say anything that I didn't already know. I didn't believe that He would or could give me comfort in that moment.

After these depressing outpourings I went and read some Psalms. (When I was little, I couldn't stand the Psalms. David is always in the depths of despair or in the heights of joy, often both in the same Psalm. I just wrote them off as dramatic and sappy. Be careful what you judge.) I was comforted. I can't tell you how. I can't say that I got a word from God. No particular verse seemed to apply, nothing even noteworthy.

When the day first got quiet enough for the pain to come to the foreground I had many options. I could have watched a movie, read a book, got on a computer, talked to a someone. These are all things that I have done in the past. The former few make me forget the pain for a little longer; God has used people to comfort me in the past. This time though, He called me to Himself.

First I was honest; I used to call it whining but God told me it was honesty. As I did, He started to speak to me. The phrase, "quitting a bad habit isn't being a quitter" the place where I say, "That sounds wrong" those weren't my ideas. Then, I didn't have anything else to say and He didn't seem to be saying anything either, so I went to the Bible.

As I read He kept using little phrases or words to make me think of things, that reminded me of things, that reminded me of Him. He redirected my focus when I couldn't see anything but pain.

Because of this, I go to God quicker and my expectations are healed. I no longer fear more crushed hope from the only one who can revive my hope. My heart now believes, as my head has for a long time, that when I come to God my needs will be filled. So what if I can't explain how? I no longer fear that He might not speak to me. I'm okay if He doesn't. He is satisfying. I will have to return again, but who ever complained that an enjoyable experience had to be repeated?

I hope this gives you as much hope as it does me.

In Me

"All believers say in a general way 'God is Almighty', 'God can do this or that'. Only one in a thousand says, 'God is almighty in me' and 'God will do so and so through me'. Here lay the essence of Moses' controversy with God at the burning bush. God was saying, 'Come now, I will send thee, and thou wilt deliver My people'. Moses was replying, 'I believe You can and will do it, but not through me'. God's almightiness was not the point in question. It was Moses' appropriation and obedience of faith that hung in the balance. Thus when Moses did set forth to carry out the commission, the Holy Spirit rightly says it was done 'by faith'. The same difference in the quality of believing makes the dividing line between Elijah and the other 7,000 true believers who had not bowed the knee to Baal, and yet who had so little influence on the lives of their generation that Elijah did not know of their existence."

-Norman Grubb
Touching the Invisible